The Curious Case of the Kaiser and the Cones

The Curious Case of the Kaiser and the Cones

I’ve been in Germany for a little over a year and there’s one, completely random, thing that I’ve noticed as I’ve been travelling around the country. That is, they don’t seem to use road cones here. It doesn’t matter whether you’re driving down the autobahn or a city street, if you see road works they have these “lollypop stick” shaped objects marking the road hazards.

It was shortly after this I also noticed that when one buys ice cream here it often comes in a bowl, if you’re eating in, or a wee paper cup. This, understandably, got me wondering whether the two things were connected. So I started doing a little bit of research and discovered that the two things were very much linked. They were linked by the humour of working class Germans and the pride of an aristocrat.

Now, to trace the German aversion to the use of conical objects we have to travel way back in time to the turn of the 20th Century. It was at this time that Italian labourers were moving northwards into Germany and the Netherlands, attracted by the large scale industrial projects offering abundant work opportunities. As the labours moved then so did the Italian ice cream makers who had, earlier in the 19th Century, brought their skills to the Hapsburg Empire, and Vienna in particular.

Now, as everyone outside of Germany knows, the natural receptacle for a portion of ice cream is a cone made of wafer. So it was that in the early years of the 20th Century German workers were first exposed to the wonders of ice cream and the marvellous delivery mechanism that is the cone.

At the time of ice cream’s debut the German Empire was ruled by Kaiser Wilhelm II. Wilhelm was neither more popular with the German people nor more unpopular than other German rulers. However it is well known that powerful figures are often the targets for humour. Lampooning them is a form of social levelling and carries on to this day with celebrities and rulers being satirised and ridiculed.

As the popularity of ice cream served in a cone increased it became a common, and hilarious, act for a person to, upon finishing their chilled delicacy, place the now empty cone upon their head and do a little dance singing.

Shau mich an,

Ich bin der Kaiser!

Look at me,

I am the Kaiser

Which is, clearly, a hilarious reference to the habit of the Kaiser, and other German nobility, of wearing utterly hilarious hats with wee cones on top to display their masculinity.

We can clearly see the similarity in the above photograph.

Eventually word of this mocking behaviour reached the Kaiser and, as it most understandable, he was outraged. In his rage he summarily passed an emergency law not only outlawing the imitation of the Kaiserly hat upon pain of bureaucracy, but also completely outlawing the cone as a shape in its entirety. This led to immense amounts of restructuring, particularly of church steeples whose spires were seen as being a little too ‘coney’. See the image below for the result of this remodelling.

So, there you have it. The Curious Case of the Kaiser and the Cones. An interesting piece of little known German history for you. Tune in next week to find out about Horrible Hans and the History of the Handschuh.

The Good Ebook Laura McTavish

The Good Ebook Laura McTavish

As my chapbook We are the Makers of Maps has been out for a while now I’ve decided to release the central story, ‘The Downfall of the Good Worker Laura McTavish’ as an ebook in its own right. The rest of the pieces in Makers don’t lend themselves to the ebook platform due to issues with the formatting of the pieces. Hopefully though people will like this story and decide to investigate both Makers and Hinterland.

The story is 99p/c and can be found on here for the UK and here for the USA. It’s also available on all the other Amazon international websites.

In other writerly news: I’m working on a couple of longer pieces still. One tentatively titled The Anarchist’s Guide to the Global Conspiracy Volume I: No Gods, No Masters and another, as yet, untitled piece set in Germany. I’ve also got a heap of shorter pieces I’m working on. As ever. So, watch this space.


Under Siege

Under Siege

Having been in Germany for a little over a year now it’s been, surprisingly, a little over a year since I’ve watched the UK news. I get some news from the UK via my news feed but I haven’t watched the BBC news since some time in the summer of 2016. This hasn’t really bothered me as, tbh, I don’t really care any more what’s happening there.

A few weeks ago I signed up for a VPN (Private Internet Access – cheap as chips and pretty reliable) so as to be able to do the whole web surfing thing anonymously after getting a bit freaked out by quite how much data I have unwittingly given away about myself. I recently set up another Facebook account using an email address which has no connection to any of my previous digital activities yet some of the friend suggestions were downright spooky.

I digress.

So, I got up at an obnoxiously early time this morning to get ready for work (9a.m. start-2a.m. finish, yay!) and decided I would use the VPN to watch BBC News on the iPlayer. Now the BBC has always been a right wing shite station. Something that makes right wingers bleating about it being ‘Marxist’ absolutely hilarious. But I was taken slightly aback about an article on people fleeing Albania and trying to reach the UK via the Basque port of Bilbao. It was the way that the newscasters referred to the upcoming story that got me. “Coming up we’ll have more on that new potential migrant route into the UK”.

…”potential migrant route into”… The way that sounds makes it seem as though Britain is under siege by hordes of ‘migrants’ trying desperately to breach her defenses. As though ‘migrant routes’ are cropping up as quickly as her brave border forces can put them down. There’s an insinuation in the wording that Britain is closed. That there are no routes in other than through nefarious mean.

Damn, I fucking hate that place. Provincial and deluded about its place in the world. Urgh. The UK should be glad that anyone wants to come to the island at the moment. Then again, I suppose some people may find Morris Dancing and goose juggling to be entertaining.

Time for work. Urgh. Again.

Llyfr Du Press – Coming Soon!

Llyfr Du Press – Coming Soon!

So, a while ago I fancied reading The Great God Pan by Arthur Machen but didn’t want to buy a whole collection. So I found a cheapo version on Amazon. I think I paid about €7 or so for it. When it arrived I was rather disappointed at the quality. I mean, I know it was cheap but still, what with the ease of Print on Demand publishing there’s no excuse for something looking so naff as this did. A really cheap looking glossy cover, an absolutely tiny font, horribly smooth paper & so on.

This got me to thinking. I rather enjoy messing around with desktop publishing tools, after all I do self publish my own books, so why don’t I put together some classic horror stories in cheap yet nicely produced editions. So I did. I just received the first bunch of proofs in the post today. There are a few issues with the covers & one or two tweaks with the layout that I wish to make, but aside from that I think they look pretty dandy. Feast thine eyes. 🙂

They all have a nice matte cover, soft paper, & a decent size font. All in all I think they would look great on people’s book shelves & make great gifts for people who you are trying to turn onto a particular author. I haven’t finalized the pricing as yet but I’m going to mark them up as £/$/€1 on the cost price. So they should be cheap as chips.

So far I have plans to publish A series of Lovecraft books, obviously, as well as everything by Arthur Machen (when it enters the public domain on 01/01/18), & a number of other 19th Century & early 20th Century authors. You can see Robert W Chamber King in YellowCarmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu in the pic above.

So, what do you think? 🙂

A True Story from a Stone Mountain

A True Story from a Stone Mountain

I grew up in South Wales on a blue hill; my bedroom looked north towards the mountain of stone and Mynydd Twmbarlwm -the twmp. When I was a child the twmp of Twmbralwm occupied a special place in my young psyche. Looming above the valley below drawing the horizon into the forground -dark and haunted as the sun sank, green and verdant when it beat down from the clear summer sky.


As I grew I asked about the strange shape of the far/near horizon. The general theory amongst the kids my age was that it was a Norman fort or a prehistoric burial mound, some also said that it was where the Romans kept an eye on the subjugated but ever rebellious Silures -the tribe who gave their name to the nearby Roman fort of Isca Silures (which later became the birthplace of Arthur Machen, Caerleon). It turned out that all of these theories were right and that the site had been in use from the Iron Age through to the Norman invasion. Until relatively recently it was still a site of a pilgrimage of sorts for local people on Good Friday.

Whilst I found the history of the site interesting my young mind was turned more and more by the folklore surrounding the mountain. Folklore that was, in its entirety, dark and grim and therefore of great fascination for a prepubescent boy such as I was. When I was 10 my mother, who worked in the giftshop of the local museum, brought me home a pair of books by local author Alan Roderick: Ghosts of Gwent and Folklore of Gwent. I was thrilled by these books and read them until the binding crumbled and they were but a collection loose leaves. The volume on folklore had plenty to say about Twmbarlwm.

According to Roderick in the early 1800s (the exact date escapes me though I think it was the 1830s) a local antiquarian led a team of navies up the mountain to excavate the mysterious mound. It was a clear summer’s day as they climbed from the village of Risca yet as they approached the summit the sky rapidly darkened as storm clouds rolled from all directions. As the team neared the summit lighting began to strike the ground all around the twmp causing the superstitious navvies to flee and the excavation to be abandoned. To the best of my knowledge there still hasn’t been an archaeological investigation into the mound itself.

Some years after the aborted excavation it seems that people noticed that the number of honey bees in Britain had dropped drastically. Their whereabouts were soon discovered when thousands upon thousands of bee corpses were discovered to be covering the twmp and the top of the mountain. As if all the bees in Britain had migrated there and fought to the death.

Then there were also the tales of missing children on the mountain. In stories dating back to, at least, the 18th Century children playing on the slopes of the mountain hear the sound of music, and no I don’t mean Julie Andrews, drifting on the breeze. One of the children inevitably goes to find the source of the music and is never seen again.

Like I said, dark stuff.

As I grew into a teenager the place continued to dominate my mental landscape and, as a young teen, friends and I would cycle up the mountain and go camping on its slopes. Then I grew older and discovered the various alternative subcultures that thrived in the local area I began experimenting with all the usual things that kids experimented with at that age -drink, drugs, and as much sex as possible.

Being as this was South Wales one of the main recreational drugs that we experimented with were the local mushrooms -Psilocybe semilanceata or Liberty Caps. ‘Camping trips’ soon became a regular feature of autumn and early winter for me and my friends. We would spend days wandering the fields picking mushrooms in order to make insanely strong ‘brews’ from hundreds, sometimes thousands, of the strange little mushrooms. We would then go camping in the coniferous woodlands below the twmp and spend an evening expanding our consciousness. In fact I had my most powerful and vivid hallucinogenic experience on that mountain, at a friend’s bachelor party, which had me seeing clockwork maggots crawling red hot from the embers of the fire, stars swirling in the night sky above our clearing and figures on horseback ducking impossibly through the trees around us.

These experiences were all fun and games as I completely understood that the things I was seeing and hearing around me were the product of imagination and Wales’ most famous botanical product. However one evening we did have a genuinely strange experience. An experience that has many explanations, none of which are satisfactory.

It was maybe 17 years ago that this occurred and it was right at the end of mushroom season so it would have been early November. We had the last of our super brews bottled and were just waiting for an excuse to indulge. Just such an excuse cropped up, though I forget what it was, and so we decided to drive up the mountain one Friday night. Five of us drove up the mountain to start setting up the camp at around 9 o’clock in the evening. Four of us got a fire going, gathered enough firewood so that we wouldn’t need to gather any whilst we were altered, and the fifth returned to town to pick up the last of our party who had been working in a local pub.

Well, it turned out that our bartender friend had gotten home from work and fallen asleep on the sofa. Our driver having something of a crush on her decided to wait, rather creepily now I think about it, outside her house until he could wake her up.

Whilst we were waiting we opened a beer and those that smoked rolled a couple of spliffs to pass the time. After a while of sitting around chatting we inevitably experienced periods of quiet where our gazes were drawn hypnotically to the fire. It was during one of these lulls in conversation that we heard twigs snapping in the forest around us. Now bear in mind that it was approaching midnight in November and we were a good half an hours walk away from the nearest houses. So the sound of multiple people walking in circles around our camp did unnerve us slightly.

We shone the one torch we had into the narrow gaps between the oh so straight trees around us but we couldn’t see anyone, even if we shone the torch where just a moment before we had heard a twig snap. Over and over this happened and then, as we were starting to get seriously freaked out and called into the night “Hello, hello, who the fuck’s there?” We heard it. A child giggling -first to one side of us, then the other. A high pitched giggle that would sound right and natural on a primary school playground but at midnight in November far from the nearest houses sounded decidedly unnatural.

Those giggles were the final straw and we poured water over our fire and struck out for the road. As we walked in single file following Ryan, the only one of us who had thought to bring a torch, the sounds of people running around us continued, as did the giggling. It would get nearer then farther making us jump and urging us on until we were as close to running as we dared in the dark.

It was such a relief when we finally cleared the trees and bundled out into an open field bathed silver by the moon. We walked rapidly away from the woods glancing back over our shoulders at the giggling woods as little voices rang out “Goodbye! Goodbye!”

That was the last time we went camping on Twmbarlwm.

Dream a Little Dream…

Dream a Little Dream…

So, I’m currently on attempt #1726 to give the evil cancer sticks the old heave ho and, five days in, it’s actually going pretty well. I’m doing an overnight job dismantling the Rolling Stones gig in Hamburg on the weekend though. We’ll see how well it’s doing after four or five hours of lugging lights and speakers about for geriatric millionaires.

One side effect that I’ve noticed on this attempt is that I’m starting to remember my dreams. Now, for some (or even most) of you this shouldn’t seem like anything strange. Well, I think it’s probably more than ten years since I really remembered my dreams, probably closer to fifteen. So to have them return now is, to be honest, pretty bloody awesome. Especially given how vivid and downright weird they have been.

I want to record some of this one here before it completely slips away. That I can still remember it more than twelve hours after waking is also pretty amazing for me.

So, from what I can remember, the dream mostly featured me and a friend with their young daughter. The friend in my dream wasn’t anyone I recognise and nor was their daughter. I also don’t recall much of their personality. But we’re travelling together. Actually; fleeing is a better term. We’re fleeing through my home town in South Wales desperately trying to escape a terrifying woman who is pursuing us.

The woman is only walking after us but she never seems far behind. She has shortish dark hair and is wearing a hospital gown. She can’t walk properly and her one foot drags slightly behind her as though she is heavily medicated but fighting through it. In one hand she limply holds a sawn off shotgun whilst her other twitches and clutches at the air to her side. Her face is contorted in either anger or fear, or possibly sorrow, and she’s screaming. She’s screaming and wailing and it’s the most terrifying sound that I’ve ever heard.

No matter how far or how fast we run, we even steal a really classy 1950s American car at one point, she is always just behind us. We can tell when she’s drawing near as the people around us begin to get paranoid and begin to blame us for things that have gone wrong in their lives. One of them, a bald man in his late fifties or early sixties, was blaming us for his first wife leaving him decades ago and the way that his father treated him as a child.

At one point we were stood high upon a hill, a cartoonishly steep version of the hill I lived upon as a boy, and we could see her walking along the road far below us. As she walked; those around her stopped what they were doing, those who were driving slowed and stopped before stepping out of their motors. They stood staring blankly ahead as she shuffled between them and, after a few moments of staring, their jaws dropped open and blood poured from their mouths red-washing their clothes and pooling about their feet.

I’m not sure how the dream ended though I get the impression that we were in a Gothic European castle in the American outback. Which was also South Wales. Dream logic eh? 🙂